I don’t believe I have ever had something publish on Christmas… and if I did, it probably wasn’t impactful. But with the holiday season almost over and many people going to grandma’s I thought I would help out that Atheist (you know the ‘weird cousin’) in everyone’s family.
So, I am pretty good at giving unsolicited advice and this goes out to all of my atheist friends… seeing as how I am not one and my advice should be taken lightly.
The Complete Atheist’s Guide to Christmas
Remind all of your relatives the true origin of Christmas
We get it…. you are the smartest person in the room. So, go ahead and let all of us stupid baby Jesus lovers know how Christmas actually got started. Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th. Christians actually stole the holiday from pagans! Like many other religious things… Christians just took them over.
Roll your eyes when we say the blessing
Here we go… gathering around all the vittles holding hands and thanking our imaginary friend in the sky for the food.
Corner someone by themselves and whisper to them about your lack of faith
You know since you are so smart no one in the family has yet to figure it out… and it has been at least 15 minutes since you have told anyone you don’t believe in God… do the only thing you know to do. TELL SOMEONE!!!! Except be sure it is the third cousin that really isn’t sure they should be there. And finish with… but don’t tell Grandma because she might die.
Cause a scene
Ok, the gifts have been given… the food is all gone… and everyone still loves Jesus. Do what any grown adult that isn’t getting their way would do… Cause a scene. This is your year! Finally, the worst kept secret, since Elton John came out, is about to be out of the bag… Blow up about how everyone doesn’t respect your faith (or lack thereof) and they all talk about you behind your back like a bunch of hypocrites.
Rinse and Repeat next year
Ok… so that wasn’t the first time this has ever happened. It happens at your office parties… birthday parties… and well Christmas Dinner every year. Here is the thing though. Even though we all think you are an idiot. God still loves all of you… especially all the weird cousins.
Thanks for reading, and Merry Christmas,